I know, I have no reliability in blogging...
I am still depressed, and now am not taking any medication for it. I'm 100% off the paxil.
I am working at Subway, random hours...
I am trying to figure things out, a schedule of some sort, an exercise regimen..
Walking is out of the question for reasons that are too private to blog about...
I can't think straight today, if you can't tell...
So, I've been doing a lot of looking within type stuff lately. Okay, that's code for I've been sitting on my ass hating myself, k?
Well, I've realized I really do hate who I've become. I can't think of a single thing about myself that I like. What kind of mother am I? I want to teach my kids to love themselves, and to be proud of who they are, but I am nowhere near there.
I hate my weight. I hate my hygeine habits, I hate my sleep habits, I hate my mothering, I hate how I act as a wife, I hate that I am not crunchier, I hate that I'm too crunchy, I hate that I'm lazy, I hate that I'm depressed...
You get the point.
How do I even fix this?! I don't even know where to begin.
Well, I've realized I really do hate who I've become. I can't think of a single thing about myself that I like. What kind of mother am I? I want to teach my kids to love themselves, and to be proud of who they are, but I am nowhere near there.
I hate my weight. I hate my hygeine habits, I hate my sleep habits, I hate my mothering, I hate how I act as a wife, I hate that I am not crunchier, I hate that I'm too crunchy, I hate that I'm lazy, I hate that I'm depressed...
You get the point.
How do I even fix this?! I don't even know where to begin.
First off, this post may be sporatic as hell. I am currently trying to type, while also making sure my daughter doesn't catapult herself off the bed.
Amaya is now officially crawling and pulling up, which makes me extremely sad. It can't really be /that/ long since I had her, can it?
I am in the process of weaning off paxil, with help from my doctor. I feel like shit, an am not sure if it's paxil, or all in my head. Either way I don't like this.
I have more to type, but Amaya is dead set on crawling right off the edge, so I will have to end this short, and hopefully type another one later!
Amaya is now officially crawling and pulling up, which makes me extremely sad. It can't really be /that/ long since I had her, can it?
I am in the process of weaning off paxil, with help from my doctor. I feel like shit, an am not sure if it's paxil, or all in my head. Either way I don't like this.
I have more to type, but Amaya is dead set on crawling right off the edge, so I will have to end this short, and hopefully type another one later!
It's simple. I'm afraid to blog and say ''I'm failing''. I am not losing weight, not eating healthily, not being the mom I want to be, and not beating the depression/anxiety.
I have been skipping meals a LOT and just eating candy instead, because it is comforting. I have been trying so hard to deal, but simply can't. I owe it to my family to be better. Hopefully, soon, I can make this happen.
However, on Thursday, I kept pants on for FIVE hours straight without chopping my legs off. Now THAT is an accomplishment!
I have been skipping meals a LOT and just eating candy instead, because it is comforting. I have been trying so hard to deal, but simply can't. I owe it to my family to be better. Hopefully, soon, I can make this happen.
However, on Thursday, I kept pants on for FIVE hours straight without chopping my legs off. Now THAT is an accomplishment!
I am down right tired, but I am slowly adjusting to being back at work. It makes my anxiety go full force, but that's something I have to get used too. Right now I force myself to take it in 15 minutes intervals. If 15 more minutes seems 100% unbearable, I can think about quitting, however, so far I make it fine until around 30 mins before time for me to get off, then it's pain that is making it unbearable. I won't quit for pain, only if I feel like it will make my anxiety too much worse. Right now I want to put money back, I want to be able to buy a car, and a house. At this moment, me working is the only way that equation is plausible.
Amaya is great, she turned 6 months the other day. She is teething horribly.
Demetri is...Demetri lol. He turns 2 next month, and I am going to request his dr to do the MCHAT on him, which I will talk more about soon :)
Amaya is great, she turned 6 months the other day. She is teething horribly.
Demetri is...Demetri lol. He turns 2 next month, and I am going to request his dr to do the MCHAT on him, which I will talk more about soon :)
Life has been....hectic.
I started new job. Made it through 2 1/2 shifts, started projectile throwing up. Go to the doctor, get told I can't go to work for almost a week. Now it's time for me to go back to work, and I am spending my day curled up in a ball crying over a tooth infection.
I am beginning to think the universe is telling me to give up lol.
I started new job. Made it through 2 1/2 shifts, started projectile throwing up. Go to the doctor, get told I can't go to work for almost a week. Now it's time for me to go back to work, and I am spending my day curled up in a ball crying over a tooth infection.
I am beginning to think the universe is telling me to give up lol.
17 Things To Do in February
- Try Kale Chips
- Fix sleep schedule for new job
- Try quinoa.
- Organize Pinterest boards
- Follow exercise plan
- Earn 2,800 swagbucks (0/2,800)
- Read 28 books to Demetri (0/28)
- Write a blot post about RIC (Sorry Mrs Swan, you know I love you!)
- Try 4 recipes off pinterest
- Track ovulation to TTA
- Read 4 books
- Stay caught up in Chem
- Start solids with Amaya [she is showing all readiness signs, just waiting for 6mo mark]
- Make homemade toothpaste
- Make it through first month back at work
- Finish dad's handprint shirt
- Stay under 200 lbs while adjusting to new job
I know, it's a small list, but I don't know what I will have time/energy for while I adjust!!
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